never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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