If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
only you would photoshop your dick
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize