He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
