She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Less talking, more tequila
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
