Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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