Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
