Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
