So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
