Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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