I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
