I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
