Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize