nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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