I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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