I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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