I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
