My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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