After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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