they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
