she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
