fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
