But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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