Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
