I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
