Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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