Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
