I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She bit a glass in half.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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