So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
