Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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