she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize