So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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