He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
