Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
