i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
