Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
