I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
