I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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