your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
