Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
