White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
