I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
