she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
