you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
