matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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