I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
