She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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