Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
