im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
