i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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