4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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