Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
