my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
