I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
