miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
