i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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