My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Every concussion has its silver lining
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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