That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
