I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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