She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
