Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
