I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize