dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
