My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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